What Happens If I Spoil My Child With Autism?

My son is now officially a teenager.

13 came so fast. I still feel a strange mix of disbelief mixed with awe when I write it.

My baby is 13.

And, because he is becoming a man before my very eyes, I am thinking so much more about the future.

How will he live alone? Will he be able to?

What does he need to be successful? College? A Trade?

How can I help him be prepared for whatever his life will bring?

As I have asked these questions, I find I am also questioning myself.

Am I pushing him too hard? Not hard enough?

What if I miss something important in his education?

What if I have spoiled him too much, and he is not capable of living well because of it?

The line between spoiling and accommodation is one that I struggle with every single day of my life. And I know, from your messages and comments, that many of you do too.

What Happens If You Spoil Your Child With Autism-

One of the most encouraging things I have ever read on this subject, was written by an adult woman with autism. She graciously shared her thoughts on spoiling children with autism, in a comment here on the blog.

I have seriously read it every day since.

And I want every single mom like me to read it. To be encouraged by it. To relax. To lean into this life we have been given, instead of fighting so hard against it.

If you are momma like me, worried about what happens if we spoil our children with autism, please read on.



Mary left this on the Not The Former Things blog post, ‘Am I Spoiling My Child or Accommodating His Needs? this week.

“So to give you a perspective from the other end of your “spoiled” child’s life: I’m a high-functioning (most days) autistic adult woman. I’m almost 40. When I was a child, aspergers wasn’t even a thing yet. My mom just knew I was different than her other 3 children and she didn’t know what to do. (I was/am extremely stubborn about things …). She asked her mom. And Grandma, knowing nothing about autism, simply said “just love her.” So my mom let me run loose outside from dawn till dusk in the summer barefoot. She only made me wear shoes to school and church and stores. Despite our money problems, she helped me with my obsessions of books and My Little Ponies (the first time they existed!). And my parents let me stay with them until I was finally ready to move out at 31. I think a lot of people (I know my sisters) thought my parents were spoiling me. But I’m an independent adult now, able to live alone, cook my own food, keep a steady job, and take care of cats on top of that. I don’t think I’d be independent if my parents had been less “accommodating” of my behaviors as a child.

Yes, do accommodate those sensory issues and social communication needs. It helps us become able to take care of ourselves–most of us, I think, are so overwhelmed as children we don’t know what we need to handle the sensory and social issues. When you accommodate us as children, you teach us the ways we can use as adults to deal with all of it.”


My son is becoming a man.

My prayer is that with love and grace, he will grow up to be as capable and strong as Mary.

Not spoiled.

Not entitled.

Capable and strong.

Accommodation is not spoiling.

It is teaching our children how to live, and live well.

Thank you so much for your example, Mary.

What Happens If You Spoil Your Child With Autism-


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  1. I was ready to read a very punitive, harsh,”Christian” reponse, because that’s what perks my ears up. Instead I got tingles. Good work, mama.

    1. I know. I was so encouraged to read her comment. Like a breath of fresh air.

  2. Oh, the tears…..I needed to read this. He will be okay, my baby will be okay. It may take him longer, but he has his own path in life. I need to be reminded of this every now and again. Thank you so much for sharing.

    1. I needed the reminder too! Thank you so much, Donna.

  3. Lucie Carter Lopez says:

    Loving your in a way that helps them flower is not spoiling. It’s allowing them to become with loving support.

  4. Debbie G. says:

    Oh my, what an excellent post! Thank you so much for sharing it. I have a 14 year-old son and I am so pleased with his progress, but I keep thinking, we need more time. This is the first post that I have seen that deals with this issue. Maybe I will worry a little less when I wake up in the middle of the night.

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