On Beginning Again
It’s difficult to know where to start.
I have felt compelled to begin this for months, but now that I am actually sitting down to write, my mind is a blur.
There’s so much to say. There’s so much I will not say.
I have decided the best thing I can do in the midst of the whirlwind of my thoughts is to explain a little bit about what brought me (and I guess, you too) here.
A few notes before we get started:
- I will refer to my husband as my husband, until he is my ex-husband and then I will refer to him as my ex-husband.
- I will not share the most intimate details of anything. It’s not necessary in the overall message I want to share. My goal here is to honor the immense love that I felt (feel) towards my husband, while also honoring my own story and sense of self. It’s a fine line I’m walking. I am 100% sure I will mess it up.
- In the sharing, I will do my best to remind you that this is my experience but there are, of course, two sides to every story. My marriage and pending divorce are not exceptions to this fact. You are reading my story, not his. He is like a side character. He needs to be here, but only so much as it helps to tell the story. The main characters that I really want to write about are me and God.
- That reminds me, I use the names God, Jesus, Spirit, The Divine and I’m sure others, all in an attempt to somehow capture in a name the immense, powerful, loving presence that exists in my life. I do not care in the least what you call him, or her, or them, or if you do or do not believe in the Being that I believe in. I am not fool enough to think that I know exactly who or what this Divine Presence is, because the thing about omnipotent, divine presences is that they are capable of so much more than my scattered, tired brain can really grasp.
- While I hope you find encouragement in my words and in the lessons I’ve learned, I will include references to all of the resources that helped me/are helping me begin again. I want you to leave here with some options for more, should you need them.
- Please do not assume that any resources I share are 100% my beliefs or convictions. I read and listen to a variety of authors and speakers in an effort to untangle my own thoughts, trauma, and beliefs. Sometimes, this means I absolutely agree with every word. Sometimes, it gives me food for thought. The homeschool mom in me believes there’s learning all around us if we just let ourselves lean into it, even if parts don’t line up with my own worldview.
- In sharing, I will be honest, sometimes, heartbreakingly, embarrassingly honest. I always learn the most from women who have lived through some of the worst this side of heaven has to offer. (There’s a reason I call Beth Moore and Anne Lamott my aunties.)
Agreed?
OK, deep breath. Let’s go.
Those of you that have followed me all along know that somewhere in late 2019, I stopped sharing publicly about myself, my faith, and especially my marriage. While I never explicitly said this was happening, I know many of you picked up on the shift.
Part of it was wanting to focus on being able to generate income for my family through more homeschool resources.
Most of it was what happened on the morning of September 28, 2019.
On Beginning Again
I was actually on my own for a change, preparing to speak at a special needs homeschool conference. The night before, I had an amazing dinner out with local friends that prior to this trip, I had only known through the internet. (Hey Amy, Mary and Vanessa!)
I went to bed happy and so full of hope for the future. It felt like a brand new beginning.
The morning is a bit of a blur to me. I remember humming to myself and saying quick prayers as I prepared my slides and gathered my parent hand-outs.
“Give me your words and your wisdom. Help me help these parents, I know their struggle. Thank you that my children are safe, at home with my husband, so that I can be here today.”
10 minutes before I was scheduled to step onto the main stage for the opening keynote address, my husband called. My heart flooded with love.
He woke up, super early on West Coast time, to call me and wish me well – at least that’s what I remember thinking before answering the call.
5 minutes later, my life, as I knew it, was over.
As I put my phone down, cold flooded my entire body. I felt a mixture of numbness and fog wash over my brain and throughout my body. I had no idea at the time, but that feeling would stay for months, and on some level, years.
I somehow managed to get on stage, talk for 45 minutes about teaching my youngest to read, and then proceeded to lead three different workshops all about homeschooling children with learning differences and special needs.
I hugged other parents all day long. I smiled and cried as they told me their stories.
I went to dinner that night with the other speakers.
I rode in the same car with them back to the hotel.
I said good night and wished them well on their travels the next day.
As I think back on that day, I know these things all happened. I can see them in my mind like a movie, but the only thing I remember actually feeling and experiencing that day was the cold, still, numbness. My mind was like a cool, dark, distant place – quiet without any real connection to what I was doing or saying.
When I got back to my hotel room, I sat on the bed and couldn’t move for a bit. I remember thinking I should cry or call my friend and scream.
Instead, when my husband called, desperate to talk and hopefully smooth things over, I asked him to wait until I returned home and hung up. It felt difficult to talk and even harder to swallow, like I’d just had an injection of Novocain in my mouth at the dentist. I would try to speak or swallow, but my mouth felt dulled and out of my control.
Almost as if in slow motion, I laid down and turned YouTube on my phone for background noise. The first video that played, without my choosing, was a Beth Moore video.
I fell asleep in my speaking clothes with her southern drawl in the background.
On the flight home the next day, I read Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers by Anne Lamott. I had brought it along and thought it would be a perfect book to read while on my own without my kids. Little did I know it was more like the book I needed to survive.
The plane landed. I went home. I was determined to begin again in my marriage.
If I were going to begin practicing the presence of God for the first time today, it would help to begin by admitting the three most terrible truths of our existence: that we are so ruined, and so loved, and in charge of so little.
Anne Lamott, Help Thanks Wow: The Three Essential Prayers
That was almost 5 years ago. A lot has happened since and some of it is a part of what I hope to process with you here.
These writings are, for me, a chance to begin again – again.
Hopefully, in doing so, I am also able to share some tiny shreds of hope and inspiration.
A broken heart heals when we allow the healing to go as deep as the wound went.
Beth Moore
I am absolutely convinced that on September 28, 2019 and every single day since, the Divine Presence of God has surrounded me with love and care. Sometimes through books, sometimes through friends, sometimes through bible verses, sometimes through hummingbirds, sometimes through memes on Instagram, sometimes through the night sky, sometimes in the still small voice in the middle of the night as I cry, sometimes in the smiles of my children – that Presence has always, unwaveringly been there.
I have so much to say after 5 years (almost 50 years?) of living and learning. I have so much to share about the wild, tragic, beautiful ride that is my life.
Thank you for being here as I begin again.
What I Am Reading and Listening To This Week
I always have a few books nearby and read them in bits and pieces throughout the week. Same goes for podcasts and YouTube videos. I skip around. Please do not mistake this as a list of resources I read or listened to all the way through. I am not a woman alone in a sweet, cozy cabin on the beach with unlimited time, although I would love to sign up for that gig.
- Help, Thanks, Wow by Anne Lamott (I decided to read it again after writing this)
- Glow in the F*ucking Dark, Simple Practices to Heal Your Soul, from Someone Who Learned the Hard Way by Tara Schuster
- Therapy and Theology on Forgiveness
- One with the Strength of Two
- Psalm 119, Exodus and Ephesians
- Light of a Clear Blue Morning, Dolly Parton (Thanks Katie!)