My husband and I had a cup of coffee together this morning.
Both boys were up half the night. The only advantage of this, is that they slept in and we were able to steal some precious morning moments together.
And by precious moments, I mean both of our eyes barely open, yawning, mentioning that the garbage needs to be taken out, how much money do we have left in the budget until the end of the month, saying love you wistfully, wishing we had more time, who is picking up our youngest from class today, what’s for dinner, what time will you be home moments.
Then, we started talking about the boys. Because we are parents and time alone together often means that is just how it goes.
He is doing so much better with the noise.
He actually learned to read ‘have’ and ‘they’ last week.
I am worried about the level of anxiety he is experiencing at night.
What did the doctor say about all of his stomach issues?
Wasn’t it funny when they both started singing in meows this weekend?
How amazing that he made it through the pumpkin patch smiling, without the wheelchair or a single meltdown moment.
You know, random parent talk.
Then, somehow, we got onto the subject of them as adults.
My husband asked a big question.
What do you think they will say about us, about their childhoods, when they are grown?
I once heard Tsh Oxenreider say on her podcast, “It is not a question of if they will be in therapy, but what for.”
I laughed at the time, but it came back to me this morning.
My husband and I started to think about what we thought they might say, ten or twenty years from now.
It started out funny.
My mom was so overprotective. She never let me see any movies that were PG-13.
Remember that time Mick played the pie in the face game with us.
We had so many pets, but mom would never let us get that goat we wanted.
Then we really started talking.
We are failing them.
We are championing them.
We are pouring our lives out for them.
We are so selfish with our time and attention.
We are letting the urgent getting in the way of the important.
We are committed to making sure these kids know they are loved, just as they are, by us and more importantly, by God.
We have no idea what we are doing 99% of the time.
We just keep getting up and trying again.
What I Hope My Children Say About Me Someday
My husband had to leave for work and the boys were stirring. Time to start the day.
We both took two last gulps of coffee.
As my husband was walking out the door, he stopped. He looked at me and said, “These boys will never say you didn’t care for them. They will say that no matter what, they knew that you loved them.”
I teared up as he left.
As much as I worry about the reading and the meltdowns and the hygiene.
As much as I stress about the social skills and the sensory exercises and the money.
As much as I try to help, to pray and to plan for their futures.
The truth is, when all is said and done –
That is exactly what I hope they will say.
No matter what, I knew my mom loved me.