What I Want You To Know About Motherhood And The New Year

There is so much I want you to know about motherhood and the new year. Mostly, I want you to know that it all matters. 

I had a dream last night.

There was a large dumpster in my garage and I was ceremonially throwing all of my sons’ sweet little baby blankets into it.

The one with the duckies.

The one with the firetrucks.

The soft one that was my absolute favorite.

I was just chucking them into a giant, stinky trash bin.

What I Want You To Know About Motherhood And The New Year

I woke up feeling a deep sense of loss.

It did not take me long to figure out why this dream was a part of my night.

This past year has challenged me unlike any other, to let go of all the ideas I had about motherhood and how this was all going to go. 

My youngest son’s CVID diagnosis brought answers we had been searching for – something I am immensely grateful for – and it also brought a need for acceptance.

This is our reality.

What I Want You To Know About Motherhood And The New Year

My oldest son is almost 17. I have one year left before the world decides he is no longer in need of my care. This brings with it more letting go.

I need to plan for his future, to be sure. I also have to accept that being the one in charge of his medical care and education, his daily routine and medication schedule – all of it will need to be worked out, with him and potentially, with the government.

This is our reality.

What I Want You To Know About Motherhood And The New Year

My husband and I have weathered the very worst year in our marriage. We are still here, still trying to figure this life out and still together.

We know the odds. We hear the stories. We know that we have to fight to be a couple, in the midst of so much.

This is our reality.

What I Want You To Know About Motherhood And The New Year

Those baby blankets in my dream represent the loss of my boys’ childhood and the loss of how I thought motherhood was going to go. They represent accepting my reality.

As we head into a new year, I think this dream was an incredibly accurate depiction of what needs to happen, both for me and for my family.

Letting go, although painful at the time, is what allows us to move forward to what we truly need. I have learned this, over and over again, in my lifetime.

I am sure I will need the reminder again as well.

Accepting reality is not giving up, or settling for less. Accepting the truth about our circumstances is bringing me a sense of hard earned freedom. 

I don’t have to fight for something that is not mine to begin with. I need to embrace the life I have been given.

Doing so allows me to see all the good that is also a part of my reality.

The sweetness in my sons.

A loving gesture from a friend.

A wonderful community here online.

Our marriage having so much shared experience.

Prayers answered, over and over again.

It’s a wonderful place to begin a new year.

As we look forward to another year, I am sharing my Top 10 Most Read Posts from 2019. You can find all your favorites HERE



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  1. Thank you for your honesty– your wonderful e-mails seem to come at just the right time! It is very comforting to not feel alone in this! You are truly a blessing

  2. Oh honey! SO THERE WITH YOU! We went to a lawyer this year to set up our wills and special needs trusts for two of our four kids (3 of whom turned 18 in August). We now have HIPAA forms for all of them and power of attorney for two. If you haven’t looked into this, please do so. I don’t where you live, but where I live (suburban Philadelphia) there’s a thing called a disability life planner. She is walking us through the process of getting SSI/Medicaid/Etc set up for the two that will need it. My one daughter has gone to a local college and has thrived beyond what we could have hoped for with the help of an awesome “students with disabilities” department. One son has taken a gap year, applied to two colleges for next fall and is now deciding which to attend. Ethan, with special ed going until 21, still has 2 1/2 years left of school. After that….I HAVE NO CLUE. With the challenging combination of blindness and autism he will never be able to to live on his own. I know there are options, but am not sure what will be the right choice for him. But that is a worry for another day.

    I finally convinced my husband to go to marriage counseling. We kept doing the same and getting the same results. I’m so incredibly thankful that she has given us the tools to get us through the coming changes to our life. I don’t know if counseling is a time/money option for you two, but I highly recommend it if you can swing it.

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