Self Care For The Caregiver Mom

What are your hobbies, Mom?”

The therapist was trying to get to know my son. She wanted me to talk a bit about myself in order to help him open up.

I seriously had no words, y’all.

What I wanted to say was this –

My hobbies are sleeping when I can, showering on occasion, and maybe, every once in a while, actually leaving the house.

Instead, I stammered and tried to come up with a more appropriate answer.

My son, with all his enthusiasm and honesty, looked at the doctor and said, “I think doing the dishes is her main hobby.”


We know we are supposed to take care of ourselves.

We know that when the oxygen masks fall on the plane, we need to put ours on first and then assist our children.

We know that taking care of the caregiver makes life better for everyone, especially the kids.

So why is it so flippin’ hard?


Self Care For The Caregiver Mom

For me, it’s really frustrating. I know that I should, but often feel like the cost of doing something for myself, makes it more difficult than if I had just stayed home.

Let me give you an example.

A few weeks ago, my hubby told me to get out of the house. To flee and not look back.

He saw I was starting to crack, and wanted to try to ease some of the pressure.

I went, because I am not stupid.

But that meant that both of my children were completely out of routine.

It meant that they fell asleep later.

It meant a meltdown.

It meant cleaning up after a meltdown.

Did I need the time away? Yes. For reals.

Was it worth it?

I dunno.

Yes, please.

I have been thinking a lot about this. We recently learned that my youngest son has a serious mood disorder. It’s clear that he will require more care, not less, as puberty takes over and we head, fast and furious towards the teenage years.

His brother, incidentally, did not stop having his diagnoses just because his brother came home with a few of his own.

Please hear me when I say this – I am not complaining about their care. I feel privileged to be able to stay home with them, educate them in a way that works for their needs,  and be their primary care giver. It was not long ago, that I was driving away from the school in the rain, after dragging my crying and melting down son out of the car and into his first grade classroom. I prayed that day that I might be able to do exactly what I am doing today.

My life, right this very minute, no matter how difficult, is literally an answer to that prayer.


Taking care of myself starts with accepting my own limitations.

I am not super woman.

I cannot function without sleep for weeks on end.

I cannot spend my entire life in a haze of medicines, therapies and mood charts.

I am a person too.

I may not need a hobby right now, but I do need to take care of myself, for all of our sakes.

Lately, I have been intentional about asking my husband to take over, even when it’s all a mess, and leaving the house for a few hours.

I have been trying to go to bed early.

I have been reading more books, and staying off social media, when the kids are calm and I am able.

I have been trying to give myself grace when I see the dirty floors that I will eventually clean, but are so clearly not the priority right now.

I have been making lists of the basics, just so I can feel a sense of accomplishment in the midst of chaos.

I have been praying more.

I have been crying more.

I have been eating ice cream more.

I have been sharing with my friends more.

And you know what?

Things aren’t falling apart. Yes, sometimes my absence and need for time alone makes things a little more difficult in the short-term. But over time, I am finding that I feel more equipped to deal with whatever life is throwing at me.

I find I am seeing more beauty in the midst of the messy.

And my entire family is better for it.

I need to tell myself this every day.

Maybe you do too.

Taking care of me is part of taking care of my children.

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  1. Denie Sidney says:

    Wow. You were eavesdropping on my conversation today. I just said this exact thing. Is an hour of me- time worth 4 hours of meltdowns and further digression on my household tasks? I guess in the long run, yes. To be able to enjoy my child’s smile, of course. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.

    1. You are so very not alone, Denie.

  2. This is so good. I’m glad you’re working on taking care of yourself. It takes some humility to realize that we have to do that — and for you to spill your life out before us all the time. I’m grateful you do.

    I know that when I’m not taking care of myself is when my kids get all nutty — irritable, sad, etc. Just like me. It’s so true that if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Not that I’m very good at self-care, still! But it is good to know that I’m actually helping the rest of my family when I take care of myself. I hope you see some of that, too, in your family. Hugs to you!

    1. So very true! You are 100% right, Kristi. When we don’t take care of ourselves, the kids reflect it.
      Thank you so much.

  3. My husband and I were JUST having the hobby talk! I’m not at a place where I have any anymore. Which is hard emotionally. I’m going to Bible study for the first time in about four years. It feels self-indulgent. I need it–the study, of course, but the time (even if only 2 hours per week) of time with other women. I’ve been trying (TRYING) to pay attention to my needs. I agree, it’s hard. We don’t have the meltdowns over here, but there’s just always so much to be done and so many places to drive to and from and to and from. I get every other Friday off from driving somewhere. That’s it.
    All that to say, I’m in the trenches with you! Take care of yourself! Get that O2!

    1. I am so glad you are going to that Bible Study! I know it can feel indulgent, but imagine anyone else saying that to you – another mom. You would encourage her to keep going and shake off the lies and accusation.
      Thank you for being a fellow trench mate. <3 I'm glad you are here.

  4. Sarah guevara says:

    So good! I literally go through this cycle all thelse time. Most of the time I’m too exhausted to leave the house at the end of the day. Early morning is my sanctuary! My husband and I have started “date mornings” we go to breakfast, bookstores, antique shops. We still have time to run errands and play with the kids.

    1. Date mornings sound kinda awesome! Thank you for sharing.

  5. Val Avilez says:

    As a single parent, it is an almost impossible cycle. Also, gelping to care for an ill parent adds to it all. I have learned a lot about myself and just have learned to live with priorities. What works changes just like what you desire to eat changes. I just go with the flow and love sleep and bedtime. It really is the only break! Thank you for your blog. It really has been a life saver to me!

    1. AS I was writing this, I was thinking about how a single mom might respond. I have so much love for you and yours. Thank you for sharing how it works in your home. Very well said!!!!

  6. Bob Connor says:

    All I can say is, I hope your husband takes you to Best Buy and buys you a dishwasher, looks like you can use it.

    P.S. I am mildly on autistic spectrum too and older.

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