On truth

He left and he hasn’t spoken to me or seen me since.

My son said this, in his matter of fact tone, earlier this week. We were watching a show and something came up that was obviously a reminder of my husband for both of us.

I nodded, ignoring the searing pain in my chest, and said,

It’s true. I’m so sorry. You’re right. He hasn’t seen you or spoken to you since the day he left.

All of my youngest’s memories include my husband. He was 4 when we got engaged, 5 when we married. He’s the child who warmed up to my husband right away, so much so that it worried me.

I didn’t want my son to get attached, and then have us break up and him leave.

(Typing that made me laugh at the irony.)

He did get attached. 13 years was a long time for me. It was almost an entire lifetime for my son.

The last time my husband spoke to me was six months ago. It was over the phone and in a conversation about my son.

I instigated the call, after only having spoken to him a handful of times since he left. I was hoping to explain the pain and confusion my son was working through, and help my husband be a dad to him without being married to me.

I realize how unhealthy that sounds, but it’s the truth.

Denying The Truth

I was so accustomed to mitigating the damage with my children, protecting them from the truth, and I worked overtime to try to help my husband help them for the entirety of our marriage.

He doesn’t mean it that way.

I know he ignored you when you were trying to tell him about your day. He has a lot going on at work.

We need to be grateful for him. He is the one who works so I can stay home and take care of you. I know it’s hard sometimes, but he loves you. He didn’t just choose me. He chose you.

As I look back, I can see in my denial at how bad it was, I was the one who lied to and even gaslit my children, not my husband.

Eventually, he rarely spoke to them directly at all. He allowed me to be the intermediary, and we both told ourselves this was because of their unique needs.

I was better educated about their diagnoses and better equipped to help them navigate difficult emotions and situations. He left it to me and, as a result, I created an entire family built on half- truths and eventually, lies.

On the rare occasions when I left my children with him for any stretch of time, it did not go well, especially for my kids. So, I stopped doing it regularly, and considered it a sacrifice that my kids made when I did need to get away. I made deals with myself – I will leave them but for no more than two nights, once a year, to try and breathe.

When I would leave for a weekend away, knowing it would be difficult for my kids, I told myself I should put on my oxygen mask first so that I could help them with theirs. This was true but I never once considered the other adult in our aisle on the plane, who wore his oxygen mask all the time, making sure that he got exactly what he needed and more.

Naively, I thought it would be different when he left us.

I think I assumed he wanted to leave and live his life so badly that once he was able to do so, he would more easily be able to engage with my kids, on a less frequent and more sustainable basis. That it would take all the pressure off him and he could just enjoy them without the confines of our marriage.

Telling The Truth

One of the hardest things I have ever done in a lifetime of doing hard things, was telling my kids that my marriage was over.

Their therapist was especially concerned about my youngest – his physical health, his mental health, his sense of self, his black and white thinking and what this news could mean for his stability. She recommended that my husband and I both talk to him together.

I was so relieved. It felt so good to think that my husband would share in the painful reality of that conversation, that he would share the burden.

After talking to my husband about it, it became clear that I would be having that conversation on my own.

He told me to tell my son that he would always be his dad and that he would see him as much as possible, coming over on the weekends and playing video games together.

He hasn’t seen him since.

So, back to six months ago. The last time my husband spoke to me was over the phone and in a conversation about my son.

I was trying to ease my son’s pain and confusion. I wanted my husband to do something, anything, and not permanently destroy any chance they had of a future relationship.

But I ended that conversation by drawing a firm boundary for the very first time.

Your relationship with him is yours to navigate and fix. I will stay out of it and allow you to figure out what to do with him. It is not my job to rehab your image with him.

I told my son the same thing, that I was leaving it up to my husband to reach out and establish their relationship.

Over the next two weeks, my husband stopped taking my calls. He changed the passwords on all our shared accounts and eliminated any access I might have to his paychecks.

He retained a lawyer and made it clear that he had no intention of ever being a part of our lives again.

This final betrayal was much worse for my son.

Not only did he lose my husband, but on a daily basis, he was losing access to me and my care, as I was forced to work a lot more hours to pay our bills.

The difference was, this time around, I was committed to dealing in truth.

This is our life. I am so sorry it’s so difficult right now.

We will figure it out.

I have faith that this is all going to work out for our good.

Embracing The Truth

In this same timeframe, my son badly injured himself, culminating in an unavoidable surgery. Because of my son’s diagnosis, it was critical and scary, for both of us. His risk of infection, combined with terrible interactions with pain medications, made it precarious for weeks.

The last time my son asked after my husband was in the haze of pain and sleeplessness that first week post-op.

Does he know I had surgery? Did he ask about me?

Tears fill my eyes even now as I think about it.

I wanted to lie. I wanted to do what I’d done for years, blur the reality and make it a little less awful.

Instead, I chose truth.

He knows because of the money. But no, he didn’t ask about you. I am so sorry.

Truth is the worst sometimes.

I realize now that the only way to navigate all of this, for my children and especially for me, is to face it and accept it, no matter how harsh.

It’s the only real way to move on.

I am the one who lied about my marriage and my husband to my kids. Not him. I did it because I desperately wanted to believe my own lies and to protect us all.

Seeing how my children have navigated this past year has taught me how wrong I was. Because they knew my husband was not someone who really took care of them and cherished them, they were a lot less surprised than I expected when my marriage imploded.

He showed them who he was all along.

They knew the truth of who he really was long before I did.

Most importantly, they believed it.

They didn’t talk themselves into a reality that didn’t exist. They didn’t excuse bad behavior.

They understood all along that I was the parent and my husband was not. It has not been at all easy for them, but the truth has allowed them to move on so much faster.

Although it has been hard for my youngest in particular, he hasn’t questioned his own understanding and feelings about all of this. He sees it for what it is and sometimes even reminds me.

He does not want to be in our lives, Momma. That’s his loss. We are just fine without him.

Now that’s the truth.

Prayer

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