On sorting through it all
I cleaned out my garage this week.
This is something I meant to do when my son and I first moved into our sweet little townhouse more than a year ago.
I had it well-organized, but there were boxes that I just could not face back then.
But this week, I needed to move my body.
I needed to process.
I needed to do something, anything with all of the emotions that continue to well up inside me.
Most importantly, I needed to feel some sense of control and of moving forward.
So, one night after work, while my son was at the rock climbing gym, I turned on a Beth Moore YouTube video for background noise and decided it was time.
(Beth Moore is my emotional support human at this point.)
Title
“We are trapped between a past we can’t return to and a future that is uncertain. And it takes guts to live here”
Kate Bowler
I opened box after box labeled “Keepsakes” in a hastily written blue sharpie script.
Box after box of a life that is no longer mine.
My children’s homeschool projects and portfolios.
Wedding pictures.
Souvenirs from Disneyland and other family trips.
My old journals, written by a woman I love dearly, but who has no idea what’s coming for her.
I tossed most of it.
I kept only the most precious and meaningful items, including the journals and homeschool portfolios, until it all fit into one storage container.
One, carefully curated box of everything I held dear for more than a decade.
“Our lives are not problems to be solved. We can have meaning and beauty and love, but nothing even close to resolution.”
Kate Bowler
When I had everything sorted, I looked down into the trash can at all that I had thrown out. It was one big pile of a life I loved dearly. It was a life well lived – a life that I still feel blessed to have had for 13 years.
I was surprised when I realized I did not feel sad.
I felt immensely grateful.
As Beth finished up in the background, a wave of mixed emotion washed over me that felt exactly like the trash can looked – messy and yet meaningful.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “I see you in all of this – past, present and future. Thank you for the life I had. Thank you for the life I am building now.”
My eyes have been drawn to that storage container in the garage every single time I back my car out. And every single time, I close my eyes for a second and breathe out the words…
It’s time to let go.
