On relief (and rebuilding)

I felt happy this week.

Truly happy.

Not just content, or relieved, or peaceful.

Genuinely happy.

It felt so good, I woke up the next day and prayed that I would feel it again.

Part of it was spending time with my close friends who love me so fiercely that I can’t help but see myself through their eyes, rather than all the circumstances that creep in and threaten to define me.

Part of it is my oldest being home for spring break. My heart always unclenches a bit when the three of us are together.

Part of it is that my divorce papers are finally signed.

…

It feels strange typing that last line. I am certainly not happy to be divorced.

Not even a little.

It’s the exact opposite of everything I wanted for my marriage, for my family, for my heart, for my life.

But having the papers signed means I am no longer living with the threat of someone else’s chaotic and cruel choices. The relief I feel, not having to wonder or worry about what comes next, is bittersweet to be sure. It is also so very freeing.

I won’t actually be divorced until the judge officially accepts and signs the decree. My attorney tells me we have about 3 months until that happens. I am sure that will bring with it another host of emotions, paperwork, and next steps.

For now, I feel relieved and grateful to have survived it all. It’s miraculous to me that I have made it through the last two years.

I have experienced the grace of God so many times in the past year that I have lost count.

My children and I are safe and have all of our needs covered with even a few extras, like rock climbing and photography.

A sweet, encouraging card in the mail with a check to cover travel costs for my oldest to come home for break.

Clients, immediately upon hearing about my change in circumstances, offering me more hours and giving me a raise.

My closest friends, circling me, reminding me that I am not alone and that they will not let me fall.

My children weathering heartbreaking realities and showing more warmth and maturity than the father figure they lost.

Me, feeling happy, genuinely happy, for the first time in so long.

Prayer

If you would like prayer, please feel free to email me at [email protected] and I will happily pray for you this week. 

If you would like to support my work, please click here.


Shawna Wingert is a former training and development professional, turned author and homeschool mom. She has homeschooled her own two unique learners for more than a decade, has written four books about homeschooling children with learning differences, and is passionate about strength-based learning.


You can find her online here at DifferentByDesignLearning.com.

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