On Looking Back
A thought has been lurking in the back of mind lately. It’s a thought that I have not wanted to allow to fully form, feeling the threat of it without even truly understanding what it is.
Last night, as I was beginning to fall asleep, this one little thought crashed into my consciousness like those videos of an out of control car careening into a 7-11.
I miss my old life.
As soon as the words were in my brain, I wanted them to leave. Immediately.
“No,” I thought. “Get out. There’s no room for that right now.”
But my resistance was no match for this one four word truth. The acceptance washed over me in a horrible wave of realization.
It is true.
I miss my old life.
“Everybody pretends that you only die once. But that’s not true. You can die to a thousand possible futures in the course of a single, stupid life.” Kate Bowler
You may think this is a simple, quite obvious revelation. I am sure every single one of my friends are thinking something along the lines of “Of course you do. It’s understandable.”
And they would be right. Of course it is understandable.
But here’s the thing…
I don’t want to miss my old life.
My old life doesn’t exist anymore. It hasn’t for two full years. I am not even sure that what I believed to be true about my life and marriage existed before that. I don’t want to miss something (someone?) that wasn’t exactly real to begin with – how futile.
I know from therapy that ignoring or shaming our feelings is not really a super way to approach healing.
In fact, I can hear my therapist’s voice in my head right now as I type.
“Feelings are called feelings because you are supposed to FEEL them. That’s the whole point.”
Duh, right?
And yet, feeling the feelings I am supposed to feel associated with missing my old life actually make me FEEL like I am trapped in a car, underwater and the water is rising up to my neck. If I feel all the feelings, I am pretty sure the water will rise to the roof and I will be completely under water, trapped.
Plus, the name of all of this writing is Not The FORMER Things, remember? I want to focus on the new things here. I want to “forget what is behind and strain forward to what is ahead” like Paul says we should.
And for that matter, didn’t Lot’s wife turn to salt when she looked back?
“What comforts us is that, after we make ourselves crazy enough, we can let go inch by inch into just being here”. Anne Lamott
Still, this morning, I stayed in bed longer than I should have and allowed myself to think about what I miss.
I miss being available for my kids during the day.
I miss the feeling of caring for a family…my family.
I miss tender moments with my husband.
I miss feeling the safety and security that comes from doing life together with another person.
I miss my full time job being about how to support my children and accommodate their needs.
I miss being a wife.
I miss inside jokes that took years to cement as family lore.
I miss feeling good about the future.
As all the feelings washed over me – the fear rising up in my chest, the anxiety threatening to cut off my air supply, the tears flowing – the immense threat of it all slowly dissipated.
I did it. I let the water rise until it covered my head and threatened to drown me in all the emotion.
It was only then that the pressure equalized and I was able to open the car door and swim to the surface. (I have watched enough Mythbusters with my kids to know that it is only when the water completely fills the car that you are able to open the door and get to safety. Turns out it’s also true in this weird, feelings analogy.)
As I talked myself into getting up and starting the day, it occurred to me that maybe looking back is exactly what is new around here this year.
Maybe my willingness to pause and feel all the things, instead of trying to push past them in the name of duty is exactly what healing requires.
I think it’s how we make peace with and ultimately, move on from the former things.
Behold, I am doing a new thing here. Do you not perceive it? Isaiah 43:19
