On all the what ifs
Thank you for sharing so many of your words of the year last week after I shared mine.
Enough
Intentional
Gentle
Dedicated
I loved reading each of your messages.
If you recall, my word of the year for 2025 is NEW.
So you can imagine my sheer and complete joy when none other than Anne Lamott, shared this via Threads on New Years Day:
When nothing new can get in, that’s death. When oxygen can’t find a way in, you die. But new is scary, and new can be disappointing and confusing – we had this all figured out, and now we don’t. New is life.
When I read it, I gasped. It felt like she showed up in my living room, sat me down on the couch and explained exactly why this needed to be my guiding principle for the year.
New really is scary and confusion.
New is also life.
(This kind of small, wonderful, coincidental glimpse of how we are loved and cared for by a Power so much greater than we can possibly know always catches my breath.)
On New Year’s Eve, I went to bed at 10:30, like any other night.
As I began to fall asleep, I realized I wasn’t sad or lonely. I wasn’t anxious or scared.
My sheets felt soft and cozy. The quiet of my room was a welcome friend. The darkness, a peace around me.
It occurred to me that I was fine. I was even good.
I smiled and wished I could go back in time to me in the same bed, in the same room, just 9 months ago.
I’d grab myself a Kleenex and wipe the tears from my eyes. I’d stroke my hair and whisper…
One day, I promise, you will lie down in this very room, in this same bed, with these same old sheets and you won’t want to die.
You won’t cry.
You won’t have a panic attack, thinking about how to pay for medical care.
You won’t wish your life was somehow anyone else’s or completely different.
Not too long from now, you will lie down in this bed, and realize that you are safe, secure, and even happy.
You will realize all of this and it will feel like a miracle.
Because it does…feel like a miracle.
The very last night of 2024 felt like proof that light eventually always overcomes darkness.
And that Anne was right.
New is indeed life.
On all the what ifs
Not even two days later, I found myself struggling with intense anxiety.
I had trouble taking deep breaths, focusing on work and my children, feeling a general sense of fear and foreboding – Hypervigilance had kicked back in.
Running through my brain, throughout the day were threatening questions.
What if something happens to me? Who will care for my children’s needs and care?
What if I can’t keep up this pace for work? How will I pay my oldest’s rent and my youngest’s therapy?
What if my old car breaks down again?
What if one of my children gets really sick again?
What if my landlord increases the rent when the lease is up?
And, my old anxious standby, what if I fail my children?
In the swirl of the trauma response, I remembered how I felt on New Year’s Eve – just two nights before. I remembered what I thought I would go back and tell myself.
What if there’s a me in the future that would want to comfort me about what I am experiencing now?
It occurred to me that, despite what my anxiety was screaming, there just might be another set of what if questions to ask.
What if it all works out, just like it has this past year?
What if you are more capable than you feel right now?
What if your children don’t need extra medical interventions this year and stay healthy?
What if you continue to work with determination and dedication to support your family?
What if you go to bed and feel the same comfort and security as you did on New Years Eve?
What if this year is one of peace and safety?
What if you are able to save enough to replace your car this year?
What if you fail your children because you are a human being and can only handle so much, everything was OK?
What if life has more in store for you this year than simply surviving?
I want to ask more of these types of questions in the coming year. I know it will take practice.
After all, this is new to me.
If you would like prayer, please feel free to email me at [email protected], or reply to this email. I will happily pray for you this week.
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