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I Am That Boy’s Mother

I heard her say it. I couldn’t respond because I was too busy trying to get to “that boy” to help him calm down. We were in a craft store (enough to cause me to lose it) and my son was starting to melt down because he couldn’t find the size frame he needed, couldn’t live without, the world can’t turn anymore until we find one.

She said loudly and pointedly, “Who is that boy’s mother?”

That feeling…ugh.

The feeling of being misunderstood, judged, condemned without any chance to defend yourself. The feeling of shame, of defeat because what else can you do, how else can you respond, and don’t they know that you are doing the best you can to try to figure this out?

 

I have had a few experiences this week with judgement. The one with my child in the “Who is that boy’s mother” incident and others in the realm of good Christian women don’t drink wine, don’t get divorces, and certainly don’t write about custody agreements.

I wish I could say it doesn’t affect me – but it does.

It affects me, but not in the way that it used to.

Six years ago any of the situations I have been in this week would have made me question what was wrong with me.

In the past, when judgement came my way, I would fret and worry and feel ashamed. I would tell myself I just need to do better, be better, not vary from the expected norms, whatever it would take to not encounter the stare of the mom in the park, or the disdain of the lady at church who had been married for 26 years, thank you very much.

The truth is, I do understand. I completely get that I am not the typical Christian mommy (or at least what the idea of the typical Christian mommy is…).

I have a past – a crazy one. I have a list of sins a mile long, many of which haunt me to this day. I have made some of the most un-Christlike choices possible, and those choices affect my family still.

And, the most amazing part of my story, is that despite how lost I was, God found me.

He loved me. He forgave me. He inspired me. He changed me. He continues to do so every single day.

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Now, when I encounter this type of judgement, I still feel a sting. But more than the sting, I feel a sense of deja vu. My first thought is usually, “This again? Really?

I want to answer that lady’s question.

Who is that boy’s mother?

She is almost 40 and feels like she wasted too many years pursuing all the wrong things.

She loves Jesus.

She loves her husband.

She loves her boys.

She loves them all completely and completely imperfectly.

That boy’s mother still has no idea what she is doing most days.

She is open to counsel and hard words from those who know her.

She is tired of hard words and horrible stares from those who don’t.

She has been known to drink a glass of wine or two, but has not been drunk in years.

She is divorced.

She wasn’t a virgin when she got married, not by a long shot.

She has seen the darkness of living for alcohol and sex and money first hand.

She has been forgiven.

She is being made new every day by a God who isn’t afraid of her dirt.

That boy’s mom is trying to learn as much as she can about autism and dyslexia, and Christian marriage, and ministry and mission.

She makes mistakes all the time.

How can she not? She is human.

And by grace she has been saved.

That boy's momma.
That boy’s momma.

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10 Comments

  1. I love that boy’s momma! She touches my heart.

    One of my favorite songs is by an artist named Jason Gray (if you haven’t listened to him, go do it! He is all about brokenness and being strong because of He who is within us…).

    LYRICS: I AM NEW (Jason Gray)
    I won’t deny the worst you can say about me.
    But I’m not defined by mistakes that I’ve made, because God says I’m me.
    I’m not who I was. I’m being remade. I am new.
    I’m Chosen and Holy and I’m dearly loved. I am new.

    Who I thought I was and who I thought I had to be,
    I had to give them both up ‘cuz neither were willing to ever believe
    I’m not who I was. I’m being remade. I am new.
    I’m Chosen and Holy and I’m dearly loved. I am new. I am new.

    Too long have I lived in the shadows of shame.
    Believing that there was no way I could change.
    But the One who is making everything new
    Doesn’t see me the way that I do…

    Death to the old man. I’m comin’ alive. I am new…

    Go find it on YouTube. You’ll love it!

    1. I LOVE this! Thank you so much Rachel.
      You are such an amazing support and encouragement.
      Love,
      Shawna

  2. Thank you for a beautiful reminder. We are ALL saved by grace, no matter our past sins.

  3. God Bless You!! I am also “That boys mom”. Keep living for Jesus, not for other people. There will always be condemnation from others. We are made whole through Jesus and Jesus alone!! Keep up the good work. Your post are a continual blessing to me.

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