How Our Holidays Have Changed Since My Son’s Autism Diagnosis
“I want a roll,” my son said through clenched teeth, anxiously staring at all the food laid out on the table.
“Let’s try some turkey too…just a little,” I coaxed, feeling embarrassed that my sister had slaved all day long, making a huge Thanksgiving meal for us, and my son was about to meltdown over there not being ‘anything to eat’.
“No,” he said firmly. “A roll. And then I will have some pie.”
Another member of my family tried to help. “You can’t have pie unless you have something to eat. This is all wonderful food. Eat some of it.”
I could see the pressure getting to him. The other children were joyfully making tons of noise. The adults were laughing, having fun. It was warm and loud. And it was a nightmare for my son.
He clenched his fists.
I got him a roll, and tried to coax him to his chair.
He kicked the chair and refused to sit down.
My family stared at me and the message was clear.
Are you going to let him behave like that?
My son happily opened his Christmas presents. He was excited to see the new chemistry set that was first on his list. He loved the new books. He was smiling and joyful. I took a ton of pictures and started to relax a bit. Maybe he would have a good day and enjoy himself.
Then, it was time for us to leave for the airport.
I had been prepping him for days, knowing that the transition might be tough. “We will open our presents, have Christmas tree shaped pancakes, and then we get to go fly to have another Christmas with Auntie and Grammie.” All week-long, he had nodded his head in agreement.
But when the time came, he snapped. “No,” he yelled and started banging his head with the iPad.
I moved towards him to try to help. He took one of his gifts and smashed it into pieces. My husband yelled. “That was brand new. Some children don’t get anything for Christmas and you are breaking your toys before you even play with them?”
My son began wildly flailing, crying, trying to find anything to break or to hurt. He scratched his arms and his face. He scratched my arms and my face. We sobbed.
The Thanksgiving and Christmas I just described, were the last ones we celebrated before learning that my son is on the autism spectrum. To me, they are a blur of stress, sadness, anger and fear. I think they may also be for my sweet boy.
The holidays are a very stressful time for my family. Take my son with his with massive sensory issues and rigid thinking. Now add holiday travel, sleeping in unfamiliar places, the noise of a large family all crowded into one space, new foods, no routine, the anxiety of wanting to open presents, the anxiety of all of the presents now being opened, the sheer exhaustion of not sleeping well, and not eating well.
Put it all together and what you get is a very, very tough season for my son. And, if I am honest, for me too.
For a long time, I was bitter. I love traditions. I love Christmas and Baby Jesus. I love cookies with crazy kid decorations and the smell of Christmas trees. I love baking pies for Thanksgiving and eating my sister’s ridiculously good turkey.
It’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. And yet for many years, in our family, it was one of the worst.
After finally getting his diagnosis, and learning more and more about my son’s needs, we have taken a much different approach to celebrating the holidays.
We have found that small changes have made a significant difference.
How Our Holidays Have Changed Since My Son’s Autism Diagnosis
Here are some of the ways we are learning to enjoy the season, while accommodating my son’s needs:
Food Does Not Have To Be A Thing –
So much of Thanksgiving and Christmas involves food. New foods, savory foods, foods we don’t eat except during this season – all the food is one of my favorite parts. Not so much for my son. I have learned to just let him eat what he wants to eat during celebrations. The reality of dealing with the noise and unfamiliarity is enough of a challenge for him. I have found that there is no need to fight a food battle when he completely overwhelmed. If he wants a roll and some pie, I might ask him if he wants me to grab him a slice of cheese to go along with it. No matter what, I encourage him to just eat what he can, and then enjoy my meal.
I also have chosen two traditions that he can count on each year that revolve around food. One is cookie baking and decorating. The other is pancakes shaped like Christmas trees on Christmas morning. He loves both and so do I. Anything beyond that, is purely optional and I do not push.
Surprises Are Not Always Good –
I know this is going to sound like sacrilege to many of you, but my son knows in advance what most of his presents will be for Christmas. We found that the anxiety of not knowing what presents he would or would not get, defeated the purpose of giving him presents in the first place. One year, he was so anxious about it, he was having daily meltdowns about presents – and there was still a week to go before Christmas morning.
I have found that letting him know the main gifts he will be receiving in advance, helps him look forward to the day, instead of stressing over it. I still get him little unknown treats for his stocking, and he has no idea what he will receive from other members of our family, so there is still a little bit of surprise.
Less Is More –
When I say less, I mean a lot less. Less of everything. Less decorations, less travel, less parties, less presents, less candy, less family, less traditions, less mess. Less really has proven to be more for our family.
We are now super intentional about how we celebrate. For us, it means a handful of traditions, like allowing him to pick out a new snow globe each year and spaghetti (one of his only tried and true meals) on Christmas Eve. It means seeing family, but for shorter periods of time and with a quiet space always available. Most importantly, it means talking more about why we celebrate and the importance of family, than it does the celebrations themselves.
Simplifying our holidays has not only helped my son. It has helped all of us stay grounded in the reason we do any of this in the first place.
More Holiday Posts To Encourage And Support:
Navigating The Holidays With Special Needs
5 Fun and Easy Ways to Homeschool Through The Holidays
To The Single Mom At Christmas
Take A Peek Inside Our Daily Life During The Holidays:
How We Homeschool Through December And Stay Sane
10 Things We Don’t Do To Celebrate Christmas
The Holidays, Extended Family And Children With Special Needs
Shawna Wingert is a former training and development professional turned education specialist, and has homeschooled her two children for the last ten years.Shawna has written four books about homeschooling unique learners and has been featured in homeschooling discussions on Today.com, The Mighty, Simple Homeschool, My Little Poppies and Raising Lifelong Leaners.
You can find her online here at DifferentByDesignLearning.com.
How does your extended family deal with the accommodations?
My triplets all have food texture issues from being preemies (even at 14!). After years of trying to get them to eat foods at holidays I now have what I call “picnic rules”. I want to have fun, I want them to have fun and it’s not worth it to me to ruin the get together trying to get them to eat. My family is not thrilled with the kids’ lack of eating. I try to ignore and just go with it.
I think as he gets older, it is much easier. It’s just so much more obvious that he needs the accommodation. When he was younger, my family was always very respectful of my decisions in dealing with my son, even if it was clear that they disagreed. I didn’t blame them. I think before my son showed these types of needs, I would’ve been just as disapproving (I am a little sad to admit). I would encourage you to do the best you can for your kids and just smile as much as possible at your family while doing it.
I can so relate to letting your son know what his gifts will be. for years I just couldn’t understand this need…but holidays would be NIGHTMARES for some of my sons…going without sleep…OCDing about what a gift might be….tearing up the home and garage searching for such gifts…meltdowns and anger almost tripled! yes, Christmas and Thanksgiving have meaning all their own…it really isn’t about all we make to go with them. in the end, I am happy that our sons taught us to simplify and really internalize the powerfuly,simple messages and meanings!
There are so many hidden blessings in this life. Thank you for encouraging me with your words!
I am autistic myself and I also have a myriad of food aversions. I will not touch apple pie, pumpkin pie, abhor red meat, loathe stuffing, do not like gravy or any kind of unknown sauce on my food, will personally prod my pizza to inspect it for chunks in the sauce, and probably do a thousand other baffling food-related things. Luckily, my relatives just “go with” me and have even taken to stocking on “my food” with no complaint (1) because I have very little demands otherwise and (2) it is more convenient than me not eating anything, then being in a bad mood because I didn’t eat. Holidays can be stressful for us food-averse types, especially when others don’t understand why their “delicious” food is a threat to our systems. Take it from someone who knows.
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